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    Daily Funny

    ~*Becca*~ Jul 28, 2012

    1. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Polar Bear


      2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

      "OK" the son says

      They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

      "OK" the son says

      Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"
       
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    2. APS

      APS Administrator Staff Member

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      Keep them coming Becca :)
       
    3. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Which Bus...


      A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

      She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

      The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"
       
    4. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Good Answer !!

      Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

      Name something that floats in the bath - Water

      Name something a blind person might use - A sword

      Name a song with "moon" in the title - Blue Suede Moon

      Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

      Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

      A sign of the zodiac - April

      Something slippery - A con man

      A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

      Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
       
    5. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Businessman On His Deathbed...


      A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

      "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

      The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
       
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    6. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      The Habit...


      A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

      Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

      Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
       
    7. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Church Bells....


      On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.

      When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

      "Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.

      She paused, and wiped away a tear.

      "If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."
       
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    8. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Words To Live By...

      Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

      Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?

      A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

      I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

      I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

      I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

      Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

      Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

      Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

      One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

      If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
       
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    9. Shortie861

      Shortie861 Administrator Staff Member

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      Some really great ones there Becca :)
       
    10. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      A Couple Of Puns...

      Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

      --------------------

      Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
       
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    11. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Follow In My Footsteps...


      On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

      "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

      Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
       
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    12. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Grandpa, Can You...??


      A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

      "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

      As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

      "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

      The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

      Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

      And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
       
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    13. ramtastic05

      ramtastic05 Talkative

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      these are great :bounce:

      keep them coming
       
    14. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Under The Kilt...


      The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

      After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

      The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.
       
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    15. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      A Mother's Dictionary...

      Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

      Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

      Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

      Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

      Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

      Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

      Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

      Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

      Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

      Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

      Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

      Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

      Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

      Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

      Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

      Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

      Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

      Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

      Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

      Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

      Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

      Verbal: Able to whine in words

      Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

      Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
       
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    16. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Grounds for Divorce...


      A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

      She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

      "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

      "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

      "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

      "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

      He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

      "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

      "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

      "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

      "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

      "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

      Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

      "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
       
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    17. ramtastic05

      ramtastic05 Talkative

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      thats pretty funny, i like that one
       
    18. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Golfing With ...


      Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

      The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...

      Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."
      Glad Everyone's Enjoyin These !! :)
       
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    19. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      Tickets To The Theater....


      A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

      A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

      The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

      And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
       
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    20. ~*Becca*~

      ~*Becca*~ Chataholic

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      The Mural...


      Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

      The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

      While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

      "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

      "To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
       
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